Allyship
Supporting Others
As friends or family members, we are in a unique position to provide support and care for those we love. Learn how to be there for someone in an unhealthy relationship.
Your Unique Position
As friends or family members, we are in a unique position to provide support and care for those we love. Being outside of their relationships, we have an important and valuable perspective. We can sometimes see behaviours and patterns in their relationships that they can't. We can sometimes see how relationships are affecting them – whether in a good or bad way. We can also be a safe place for them to turn to when they need it.
Just by being there, you are making a difference in someone's life.
If a friend shares with you that they are in an unhealthy relationship or that their partner is treating them poorly, it can feel overwhelming to know what to say and how best to support them.
How to Support a Friend
1. Make Sure They Are Safe
The most important thing right now is that they are safe. Especially if the abusive or unhealthy behaviours just happened or are ongoing. Ask them if they are safe, use your best judgement to help them assess any immediate danger, and call in support if needed.
This is about their physical safety from the person they are in relationship with, but also if your friend is at risk of suicide or self-harm as a way to cope with what has happened.
2. Listen and Validate – Believe Them!
It takes a lot of courage and trust to share with you about something that isn't quite right in their relationship. You might want to rush to problem solving, but sometimes the most important thing we can do is to listen without judgement and validate that their feelings are ok and appropriate.
3. Reflect Back What You're Hearing
Sometimes friends will share experiences in their relationship that they don't necessarily think are unhealthy. If they are sharing behaviours that feel like red flags, it's an opportunity to ask them how those behaviours make them feel.
Focus on reflecting back what you're hearing, how it makes them feel, and asking how they would like to feel in a relationship.
4. Take Care of Yourself
Remember to be in touch with your own capacity. It's ok if you can't meet their need – you aren't expected to be everything for everyone. Let them know which needs you can meet, and if you have ideas for where they can meet their other needs, ask if they want you to share them.
5. Encourage Them to Get Support
It's okay to admit that you don't know what to do next. Dating violence is incredibly traumatic. A lot of different types of support are often needed. If you have the capacity, being with your friend as they access different supports could be a great way to show them they are not alone.
6. Let Them Decide the Next Steps
There are many options for next steps and many decisions that feel like they need to be made in the moment. Remember that we all process trauma in different ways. The most important thing is to know that they have autonomy and that whatever decisions they make, you will respect and support them.
Recognizing Red Flags in What They Share
Sometimes our friends will share experiences in their relationship that they don't necessarily think are unhealthy. Examples might include:
- "They would kill me if I wore that"
- "They said I could never cut my hair short because they like it long"
- "I don't have passwords on my phone because they want to be able to look at who I'm talking to"
What you can do: Ask them how those behaviours make them feel. Point out what a healthy relationship could look and feel like. Try to remain open for your friend to feel like they can share openly and make their own decisions.
Helping Friends Who Are the Toxic Partner
Sometimes those we care about are the ones who are causing harm to others. Someone can be a good person who doesn't always act in a good or healthy way. As friends, we can play a key role in helping them to gain awareness of their own behaviour, take responsibility for it, and change it.
Remember: being silent about harmful behaviours you witness or ignoring them allows them to continue to happen. As a bystander, you are in a powerful position to make the world a better place and to stop harm from happening.
Setting Boundaries for Unacceptable Behaviours
Boundaries are an excellent way to communicate to your friend what is acceptable to do and say around you. If your friend grew up in an unhealthy environment where abusive and toxic behaviours were common, they might not know what is acceptable and what isn't. By creating these boundaries with them, it can help them to build perspective.
Examples of boundaries you might set:
- "Please do not talk to [partner's name] like that in front of me."
- "I am not okay with that joke/tone."
- "If you continue to speak to [partner's name] in that tone, I am going to leave."
- "That was an unkind remark. I don't think that's funny."
Encourage Accountability
Help your friend understand perspectives beyond their own. It can be a defense mechanism for those who act in an abusive way to feel that they are the victim and that their behaviour is someone else's fault. By not allowing them to deflect responsibility and by offering the other perspective, you can support them in recognizing the impact of their actions and building their empathy.
It's Not All on You
We are all responsible for our own feelings and behaviours. While you can support someone by role modeling healthy behaviours and by encouraging them to change, only they can choose to actually change.
Need Resources?
Having information ready can help you support your friend when they're ready. Explore support services available in Yukon.