Building connections based on respect
Healthy Relationships
Relationships are a central part of life. When we're surrounded by those who offer safety, respect, and care, we can thrive and feel fully free to be who we are.
Relationships are a central part of life. With family, friends, romantic partners, and even at school or work – our lives revolve around how we connect and interact with others. They can add greatly to our lives. When we're surrounded by those who offer safety, respect, and care, we can thrive and feel fully free to be who we are.
On the flip side, they can also cause us harm. When we are in relationships with people who diminish us, control us, disrespect our boundaries, or otherwise treat us poorly, we can experience anxiety, low self-esteem, and depression.
All relationships have their ups and downs. Disagreements and frustrations happen. What's important though is that at all times in a relationship we are treated – and we treat others – with respect and care.
It can be hard to tell if a relationship is healthy or not because of the expectations we have from television and movies and because behaviours that are healthy for one person may be unhealthy or abusive for another.
The key difference:
At their core, healthy behaviours should promote trust, safety, and equality for both partners. Unhealthy behaviours, on the other hand, are ones that subtly or overtly try to exert control or power over someone.
This isn't the same as your parents setting a curfew or rules of behaviour that are based on your safety and best interest, or your teacher or manager at work asking that you show up on time. It's important to distinguish between healthy boundaries and control, which can be challenging at times and takes some honest conversations and self-reflection.
The Relationship Spectrum
Let's look at the relationship spectrum and consider how a behaviour might look and feel if it is healthy vs. unhealthy.
Respectful
You respect each other's boundaries. The way you talk to and about each other is kind and from a place of care and understanding.
One or both partners is not considerate of the other's feelings and/or personal boundaries.
One or both people in the relationship disrespect the other's feelings, boundaries, opinions, or personal safety.
You respect each other's boundaries. The way you talk to and about each other is kind and from a place of care and understanding.
One or both partners is not considerate of the other's feelings and/or personal boundaries.
One or both people in the relationship disrespect the other's feelings, boundaries, opinions, or personal safety.
Communicative
Open, honest, and respectful. You can disagree or have a difference of opinion without worry or fear about the other's reaction. You feel safe communicating your feelings, thoughts, and boundaries.
When problems arise, one or both of you avoid them or refuse to talk about them. You do not feel you can openly speak about your thoughts or feelings.
One or both people in the relationship openly belittles the other, exhibits anger, makes threats, or instills fear. Communication about feelings and concerns is shut down and is seen as a threat.
Open, honest, and respectful. You can disagree or have a difference of opinion without worry or fear about the other's reaction. You feel safe communicating your feelings, thoughts, and boundaries.
When problems arise, one or both of you avoid them or refuse to talk about them. You do not feel you can openly speak about your thoughts or feelings.
One or both people in the relationship openly belittles the other, exhibits anger, makes threats, or instills fear. Communication about feelings and concerns is shut down and is seen as a threat.
Decision Making
You both have a voice and a say in decisions you make.
One person in the relationship is the driving force behind decisions made for one or both of you. Those decisions are based on their best interest and desires and do not take the other person into account.
One partner tells the other what to wear, who they can hang out with, where they can go and/or what they can do.
You both have a voice and a say in decisions you make.
One person in the relationship is the driving force behind decisions made for one or both of you. Those decisions are based on their best interest and desires and do not take the other person into account.
One partner tells the other what to wear, who they can hang out with, where they can go and/or what they can do.
Trust
You are honest with one another and feel safe and secure that the other is being honest with you.
One or both of you do not believe what the other says or feels entitled to invade their privacy, such as accessing their phone or social media accounts.
Lying about situations, avoiding accountability, and minimizing abusive behaviour.
You are honest with one another and feel safe and secure that the other is being honest with you.
One or both of you do not believe what the other says or feels entitled to invade their privacy, such as accessing their phone or social media accounts.
Lying about situations, avoiding accountability, and minimizing abusive behaviour.
Independence
You can both spend time alone or with other people without anxiety, anger, or fear.
One or both of you feel that you need to spend more or all of your free time together leaving little space to be alone or to build and maintain other relationships with friends and family.
Both people spend all their time together and it is openly and actively discouraged to spend time alone or with others.
You can both spend time alone or with other people without anxiety, anger, or fear.
One or both of you feel that you need to spend more or all of your free time together leaving little space to be alone or to build and maintain other relationships with friends and family.
Both people spend all their time together and it is openly and actively discouraged to spend time alone or with others.
Physical Intimacy
Both partners make decisions together and can openly discuss what each one is dealing with, like relationship problems and sexual choices.
One person tries to make most of the decisions. They may pressure the other about sex or refuse to see how one's actions can hurt the other one.
Forces physical or sexual activity on the other person.
Both partners make decisions together and can openly discuss what each one is dealing with, like relationship problems and sexual choices.
One person tries to make most of the decisions. They may pressure the other about sex or refuse to see how one's actions can hurt the other one.
Forces physical or sexual activity on the other person.
Relationships – especially romantic ones – can be exciting, but it's important that they are also healthy and supportive of the wellbeing and safety of both people in them. If something doesn't feel right to you, listen to your instincts and explore what is and is not working.
Dealing with a Breakup
If you're in the throes of heartache, whether you were together for one month or one year, the pain you are feeling is real. The first thing to know is that you are not alone. People break up every day and whichever side you are on – whether you did the breaking up or were broken up with – it's incredibly hard.
The second thing you need to know is that this pain will pass. While right now it may feel all-encompassing and like it will be with you forever, it will fade and disappear. That is not to invalidate what you're feeling right now, but it is important to know that.
Breakup Pain is Real
Many scientists have studied breakups – that's how common they are and how profoundly they affect us! What they have found is that when you go through a breakup, changes happen in your brain that mimic withdrawal, which can trigger profound sensations of sadness, desire, and even physical pain.
In fact, brain scans have shown that the same areas of the brain activated by physical pain are also triggered by emotional pain, like a breakup. This helps to explain why this is an uncomfortable sensation that we feel overwhelmingly in our bodies. It's not just in your head – the pain you feel is real.
The Emotional Responses to a Breakup
Beyond the physical pain, we also have emotional and mental reactions to a breakup that can range from uncomfortable to overwhelming and almost paralyzing. These include anxiety, loneliness, low self-esteem, overthinking, and even grief.
Who am I without my partner?
The loss of a sense of self can often follow breakups and be a huge source of emotional pain. After a breakup, you might find yourself wondering: Who am I now? Who are my friends? How did I spend my time before this relationship? The greater you feel defined by your past relationship, the heavier this kind of distress will feel.
Healing from a Breakup
Reconnect with your passions
When we are in a romantic relationship, being with someone takes a lot of time and energy. One of the fastest ways to reclaim a sense of self is to reconnect with interests you may have set aside—creative pursuits, hobbies, or activities you love.
Spend time with loved ones
Friends, family, and others who love you are a powerful source of support and healing. Science has shown that those with strong social support recover from relationships much faster than those who isolate themselves.
Explore what you missed out on
Think about all the TV shows, movies, and hobbies you wanted to try but didn't because your ex didn't want to. Now is your chance to focus on you.
Be gentle with yourself
Practice self-compassion. You are not broken. You are not a terrible person. You are not undeserving of love. Treat yourself with the same kindness you would a friend.
Set boundaries for yourself
Healthy boundaries will keep your heart and mind on a healing path. Consider deleting and blocking your ex from your phone and social media.
The Strongest Thing You Can Do is Ask for Support
Sometimes we need some additional support. It might be time to reach out to a licensed therapist or counsellor if you're:
- Feeling a strong need to isolate
- Feeling overwhelmed by anxiety or sadness
- Finding yourself escaping from negative feelings through substance use
- Worried about burdening your support system
- Feeling like you're spiraling and circling on the same negative thoughts
You don't need to face this alone – you deserve to have support.
Should I Stay Friends with My Ex?
It can be tempting for many reasons to stay friends with your ex after a breakup. You might fear fully losing someone who was such a big part of your life, still like many things about them, have friends in common, or even be hoping to reconcile.
No two situations are exactly alike and so this decision is a very personal one. Here are some questions to ask yourself:
Are you still in love (or in like) with them?
Continued contact with an ex can actually prolong distress and worsen the pain you are feeling. Staying in contact impairs your ability to re-establish a strong sense of self separate from them.
Do you want to get back together with them?
If you're currently broken up, it is almost certainly because something was not working. Being friends will not magically fix whatever it was that wasn't working.
How would you feel if they started dating someone new?
If that thought fills you with panic or anxiety, that is a sure sign you are not ready for friendship. Forcing yourself into that situation may expose you to further pain.
Transitioning from a romantic relationship into friendship is not simple. If keeping your ex in your life negatively affects your wellbeing, it's probably best to not try to be friends right now. It doesn't mean you can't be in the future, but for now focus on your own wellbeing.
Dealing with Jealousy
We all feel jealous sometimes. It is something that arises when we perceive a real, imagined, or potential rival as a threat to our relationship. It is a complex emotion, which means it is usually a combination of many emotions, such as fear, mistrust, anxiety, rage, and rejection.
When it comes to jealousy, remember:
Feelings are not facts.
Jealousy is often driven by low self-esteem, poor self-image, or unrealistic expectations about what a relationship should look like. It is often more about our personal insecurities and anxieties than it is about our partner's actions.
It can be an incredibly uncomfortable emotion to have, and it can lead us to act in unhealthy ways with our partner. The consequences of these actions can create more actual harm to the relationship than what it is that we are jealous about.
Signs of Unhealthy Jealous Behaviors
These behaviours can create toxicity and have a destructive effect on a relationship:
- Checking your partner's phone or email without permission or insisting that they show it to you
- Calling or texting your partner repeatedly to find out where they are and who they are with
- Accusing your partner of lying or cheating without evidence
- Not letting your partner have friends or spend time with others
- Not letting your partner go out without you
- Trying to control what your partner wears or what they post on social media
Ways to Cope with Feelings of Jealousy
Here are some ways to cope with feelings of jealousy so they don't ruin your relationship or cause you emotional harm:
1. Listen to what the jealousy is trying to tell you
When experiencing an uncomfortable emotion, it is helpful to notice and name it. This helps to create some separation from it and not let it control our behaviour. Once you have noticed it, ask yourself "WHY" you feel jealous and what underlying insecurities or fears may be contributing to your feelings. This can help you uncover what it is you need in the moment to alleviate the distress and discomfort.
2. Practice healthy coping strategies
Managing difficult emotions is all about strategies and tools to keep ourselves from ruminating on something that causes pain. Writing about it or talking to a family member or a friend are both healthy ways to process our jealousy and provide ourselves with reassurance. Going for a walk, being active outside, or channeling our energy into something creative can all produce healthy brain chemicals that can regulate our emotions.
3. Focus on the true root of the problem
Often times jealousy is rooted in low self-confidence, insecurity, and fear of abandonment, rather than a reflection of reality. Working through these things is challenging. Reach out for support with a licensed therapist or counsellor to help you understand and process your feelings.
Handling a Relationship with a Jealous Partner
Dating a jealous partner can be more than exhausting – it can lead to anxiety and fear when you feel you need to walk on eggshells or diminish parts of yourself to not trigger them.
If your partner's jealousy is starting to affect your relationship or your life in a negative way, it's time to set some healthy boundaries.
Rejection
Rejection is a part of everyday life. We don't get the job we wanted. We don't make a team we tried out for. We don't get into the university we applied for. We have a crush on someone that doesn't like us back.
While it is something that happens to everyone, it can nevertheless feel incredibly painful. Certain types of rejection can also be much more difficult to cope with than others.
Why Rejection Hurts So Much
As humans, social connections are of utmost importance to us. This is because hundreds of thousands of years ago, humans depended on a group of others wholly for their survival. If you were rejected from the group, you would almost certainly die. As a survival mechanism to ensure that we stayed with our groups, our brains evolved to have a great dislike and fear of being rejected by others.
All rejection hurts. And when we feel rejected by someone who is important to us, we can be left feeling like we are not wanted, valued, or accepted.
Everyone experiences rejection in their lives. So, if you are feeling rejected right now, you are not alone.
It's ok – and totally normal – to feel sad and lonely about it.
It is not, however, ok or healthy to take the pain of rejection out on another person through emotional abuse or physical violence. If you are feeling angry because of rejection, it's important to practice awareness of that response and understand why you are experiencing it.
Sometimes people have unrealistic and unhealthy expectations of relationships with others. They might feel they are entitled to another person's affection or time. Or they might have deep insecurities that leave them feeling worthless and helpless.
If rejection has you experiencing deep sadness or anger that does not go away or is disrupting your life and your relationships, it can be helpful to reach out for support.
Find SupportSetting Boundaries
Every relationship has boundaries – or rules for how we interact with each other. What it is ok to do and say with someone. They are entirely personal based on what someone's personal limits are. They are about what is right for you.
At their core, boundaries are beneficial for both people in a relationship as they help form the foundation of trust, safety, and respect. They define where you end and the other person begins so that you have a clear sense of self and control over your own life. They are a way to create healthy relationships while also honouring your values, autonomy, self-respect, and self-worth.
Types of Boundaries
There are many types of boundaries, including those around personal space, physical touch, how you spend your time, and even how others talk to you or how they talk about others when around you.
Healthy boundaries can look like...
- "I like making out with you, but not in public."
- "I am not ready to have sex, and it isn't ok to pressure me."
- "I need time to focus on my homework and can't go out with you right now."
- "I can't text or talk on the phone all the time."
- "Insulting me and making fun of me doesn't feel good. I am going to need you to stop doing that."
- "I don't feel comfortable going to that person's house."
How to Set Boundaries
Sometimes we can find boundaries really scary to set and uphold. We might feel guilty about them or feel that if we voice them, someone won't want a relationship with us. They might find us difficult or annoying. It can be really tempting for these reasons to ignore our own limits, but this can come at a huge cost for both people in the relationship. Ignoring your boundaries can leave you feeling unsafe, risk harm, and cause us to lose ourselves in the process.
Know Your Limits
The first step to setting boundaries is to get a sense of what is comfortable for you. This is something that develops and becomes clearer the more you pay attention to it. It comes from tuning into yourself and noticing how you feel in response to what others do and say. What is it that feels good and safe for you?
Communicate Clearly
Remember: no one can read your mind. If you are not communicating your boundaries, you cannot expect others to know them. Once you have boundaries, it is important to communicate them clearly and specifically.
Check In Regularly
Boundaries shift and evolve as our relationships, selves, and needs change. Check in with yourself regularly to see if your boundaries have changed.
Unhealthy Boundaries in Relationships
Just as boundaries that are too flexible or that we are quick to ignore can lead to unhealthy relationships and emotional distress, boundaries that are too rigid can also create problems.
A boundary is too rigid when it is used to avoid difficult situations or to control someone else's behaviour. An example of this might be setting a boundary to not talk about any conflict or emotions. Another example is setting a boundary that limits another's autonomy, such as what they wear.
It is important to exercise self-awareness and recognize when we are using a boundary to manipulate or control another's behaviour. This is something that is sometimes done unconsciously as a way to get our needs met. It might work in the short-term, but in the long run this is never a healthy approach and does not build trust and safety in relationships.
Responding to Boundaries
How someone responds to your boundaries will tell you a lot about them and the relationship. The sad truth is that some people won't respond well to your boundaries.
Watch Out For These Responses
They might try to pressure you to abandon your boundaries using guilt, anger, or even making you feel silly for having them. If someone is responding this way to your boundaries when you try to set or maintain them, it's time to assess the relationship.
Explore More Topics
Setting Healthy Boundaries
Learn how to identify, communicate, and maintain boundaries that protect your wellbeing.
Respect and Communication
Discover effective communication strategies and how to build mutual respect in relationships.
Recognizing Warning Signs
Understand the red flags of unhealthy or abusive relationships and what to do if you notice them.
Need Support?
If you're in an unhealthy relationship or need someone to talk to, support is available. You don't have to face this alone.
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