Building connections based on respect
Healthy Relationships
Relationships are a central part of life. When we're surrounded by those who offer safety, respect, and care, we can thrive and feel fully free to be who we are.
Relationships are a central part of life. With family, friends, romantic partners, and even at school or work – our lives revolve around how we connect and interact with others. They can add greatly to our lives. When we're surrounded by those who offer safety, respect, and care, we can thrive and feel fully free to be who we are.
On the flip side, they can also cause us harm. When we are in relationships with people who diminish us, control us, disrespect our boundaries, or otherwise treat us poorly, we can experience anxiety, low self-esteem, and depression.
All relationships have their ups and downs. Disagreements and frustrations happen. What's important though is that at all times in a relationship we are treated – and we treat others – with respect and care.
It can be hard to tell if a relationship is healthy or not because of the expectations we have from television and movies and because behaviours that are healthy for one person may be unhealthy or abusive for another.
The key difference:
At their core, healthy behaviours should promote trust, safety, and equality for both partners. Unhealthy behaviours, on the other hand, are ones that subtly or overtly try to exert control or power over someone.
This isn't the same as your parents setting a curfew or rules of behaviour that are based on your safety and best interest, or your teacher or manager at work asking that you show up on time. It's important to distinguish between healthy boundaries and control, which can be challenging at times and takes some honest conversations and self-reflection.
The Relationship Spectrum
Let's look at the relationship spectrum and consider how a behaviour might look and feel if it is healthy vs. unhealthy.
Respectful
You respect each other's boundaries. The way you talk to and about each other is kind and from a place of care and understanding.
One or both partners is not considerate of the other's feelings and/or personal boundaries.
One or both people in the relationship disrespect the other's feelings, boundaries, opinions, or personal safety.
You respect each other's boundaries. The way you talk to and about each other is kind and from a place of care and understanding.
One or both partners is not considerate of the other's feelings and/or personal boundaries.
One or both people in the relationship disrespect the other's feelings, boundaries, opinions, or personal safety.
Communicative
Open, honest, and respectful. You can disagree or have a difference of opinion without worry or fear about the other's reaction. You feel safe communicating your feelings, thoughts, and boundaries.
When problems arise, one or both of you avoid them or refuse to talk about them. You do not feel you can openly speak about your thoughts or feelings.
One or both people in the relationship openly belittles the other, exhibits anger, makes threats, or instills fear. Communication about feelings and concerns is shut down and is seen as a threat.
Open, honest, and respectful. You can disagree or have a difference of opinion without worry or fear about the other's reaction. You feel safe communicating your feelings, thoughts, and boundaries.
When problems arise, one or both of you avoid them or refuse to talk about them. You do not feel you can openly speak about your thoughts or feelings.
One or both people in the relationship openly belittles the other, exhibits anger, makes threats, or instills fear. Communication about feelings and concerns is shut down and is seen as a threat.
Decision Making
You both have a voice and a say in decisions you make.
One person in the relationship is the driving force behind decisions made for one or both of you. Those decisions are based on their best interest and desires and do not take the other person into account.
One partner tells the other what to wear, who they can hang out with, where they can go and/or what they can do.
You both have a voice and a say in decisions you make.
One person in the relationship is the driving force behind decisions made for one or both of you. Those decisions are based on their best interest and desires and do not take the other person into account.
One partner tells the other what to wear, who they can hang out with, where they can go and/or what they can do.
Trust
You are honest with one another and feel safe and secure that the other is being honest with you.
One or both of you do not believe what the other says or feels entitled to invade their privacy, such as accessing their phone or social media accounts.
Lying about situations, avoiding accountability, and minimizing abusive behaviour.
You are honest with one another and feel safe and secure that the other is being honest with you.
One or both of you do not believe what the other says or feels entitled to invade their privacy, such as accessing their phone or social media accounts.
Lying about situations, avoiding accountability, and minimizing abusive behaviour.
Independence
You can both spend time alone or with other people without anxiety, anger, or fear.
One or both of you feel that you need to spend more or all of your free time together leaving little space to be alone or to build and maintain other relationships with friends and family.
Both people spend all their time together and it is openly and actively discouraged to spend time alone or with others.
You can both spend time alone or with other people without anxiety, anger, or fear.
One or both of you feel that you need to spend more or all of your free time together leaving little space to be alone or to build and maintain other relationships with friends and family.
Both people spend all their time together and it is openly and actively discouraged to spend time alone or with others.
Physical Intimacy
Both partners make decisions together and can openly discuss what each one is dealing with, like relationship problems and sexual choices.
One person tries to make most of the decisions. They may pressure the other about sex or refuse to see how one's actions can hurt the other one.
Forces physical or sexual activity on the other person.
Both partners make decisions together and can openly discuss what each one is dealing with, like relationship problems and sexual choices.
One person tries to make most of the decisions. They may pressure the other about sex or refuse to see how one's actions can hurt the other one.
Forces physical or sexual activity on the other person.
Relationships – especially romantic ones – can be exciting, but it's important that they are also healthy and supportive of the wellbeing and safety of both people in them. If something doesn't feel right to you, listen to your instincts and explore what is and is not working.
Dealing with a Breakup
If you're in the throes of heartache, whether you were together for one month or one year, the pain you are feeling is real. The first thing to know is that you are not alone. People break up every day and whichever side you are on – whether you did the breaking up or were broken up with – it's incredibly hard.
The second thing you need to know is that this pain will pass. While right now it may feel all-encompassing and like it will be with you forever, it will fade and disappear. That is not to invalidate what you're feeling right now, but it is important to know that.
Breakup Pain is Real
Many scientists have studied breakups – that's how common they are and how profoundly they affect us! What they have found is that when you go through a breakup, changes happen in your brain that mimic withdrawal, which can trigger profound sensations of sadness, desire, and even physical pain.
In fact, brain scans have shown that the same areas of the brain activated by physical pain are also triggered by emotional pain, like a breakup. This helps to explain why this is an uncomfortable sensation that we feel overwhelmingly in our bodies. It's not just in your head – the pain you feel is real.
Healing from a Breakup
Reconnect with your passions
When we are in a romantic relationship, being with someone takes a lot of time and energy. One of the fastest ways to reclaim a sense of self is to reconnect with interests you may have set aside—creative pursuits, hobbies, or activities you love.
Spend time with loved ones
Friends, family, and others who love you are a powerful source of support and healing. Science has shown that those with strong social support recover from relationships much faster than those who isolate themselves.
Explore what you missed out on
Think about all the TV shows, movies, and hobbies you wanted to try but didn't because your ex didn't want to. Now is your chance to focus on you.
Be gentle with yourself
Practice self-compassion. You are not broken. You are not a terrible person. You are not undeserving of love. Treat yourself with the same kindness you would a friend.
Set boundaries for yourself
Healthy boundaries will keep your heart and mind on a healing path. Consider deleting and blocking your ex from your phone and social media.
The Strongest Thing You Can Do is Ask for Support
Sometimes we need some additional support. It might be time to reach out to a licensed therapist or counsellor if you're:
- Feeling a strong need to isolate
- Feeling overwhelmed by anxiety or sadness
- Finding yourself escaping from negative feelings through substance use
- Worried about burdening your support system
- Feeling like you're spiraling and circling on the same negative thoughts
You don't need to face this alone – you deserve to have support.
Dealing with Jealousy
We all feel jealous sometimes. It is something that arises when we perceive a real, imagined, or potential rival as a threat to our relationship. It is a complex emotion, which means it is usually a combination of many emotions, such as fear, mistrust, anxiety, rage, and rejection.
When it comes to jealousy, remember:
Feelings are not facts.
Jealousy is often driven by low self-esteem, poor self-image, or unrealistic expectations about what a relationship should look like. It is often more about our personal insecurities and anxieties than it is about our partner's actions.
Signs of Unhealthy Jealous Behaviors
These behaviours can create toxicity and have a destructive effect on a relationship:
- Checking your partner's phone or email without permission or insisting that they show it to you
- Calling or texting your partner repeatedly to find out where they are and who they are with
- Accusing your partner of lying or cheating without evidence
- Not letting your partner have friends or spend time with others
- Not letting your partner go out without you
- Trying to control what your partner wears or what they post on social media
Ways to Cope with Feelings of Jealousy
Here are some ways to cope with feelings of jealousy so they don't ruin your relationship or cause you emotional harm:
1. Listen to what the jealousy is trying to tell you
When experiencing an uncomfortable emotion, it is helpful to notice and name it. This helps to create some separation from it and not let it control our behaviour. Once you have noticed it, ask yourself "WHY" you feel jealous and what underlying insecurities or fears may be contributing to your feelings. This can help you uncover what it is you need in the moment to alleviate the distress and discomfort.
2. Practice healthy coping strategies
Managing difficult emotions is all about strategies and tools to keep ourselves from ruminating on something that causes pain. Writing about it or talking to a family member or a friend are both healthy ways to process our jealousy and provide ourselves with reassurance. Going for a walk, being active outside, or channeling our energy into something creative can all produce healthy brain chemicals that can regulate our emotions.
3. Focus on the true root of the problem
Often times jealousy is rooted in low self-confidence, insecurity, and fear of abandonment, rather than a reflection of reality. Working through these things is challenging. Reach out for support with a licensed therapist or counsellor to help you understand and process your feelings.
Setting Boundaries
Every relationship has boundaries – or rules for how we interact with each other. What it is ok to do and say with someone. They are entirely personal based on what someone's personal limits are. They are about what is right for you.
At their core, boundaries are beneficial for both people in a relationship as they help form the foundation of trust, safety, and respect. They define where you end and the other person begins so that you have a clear sense of self and control over your own life. They are a way to create healthy relationships while also honouring your values, autonomy, self-respect, and self-worth.
Types of Boundaries
There are many types of boundaries, including those around personal space, physical touch, how you spend your time, and even how others talk to you or how they talk about others when around you.
Healthy boundaries can look like...
- "I like making out with you, but not in public."
- "I am not ready to have sex, and it isn't ok to pressure me."
- "I need time to focus on my homework and can't go out with you right now."
- "I can't text or talk on the phone all the time."
- "Insulting me and making fun of me doesn't feel good. I am going to need you to stop doing that."
- "I don't feel comfortable going to that person's house."
Explore More Topics
Setting Healthy Boundaries
Learn how to identify, communicate, and maintain boundaries that protect your wellbeing.
Respect and Communication
Discover effective communication strategies and how to build mutual respect in relationships.
Recognizing Warning Signs
Understand the red flags of unhealthy or abusive relationships and what to do if you notice them.
Need Support?
If you're in an unhealthy relationship or need someone to talk to, support is available. You don't have to face this alone.
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